


Absence

by lalois



Category: 30歳まで童貞だと魔法使いになれるらしい | 30-sai Made Doutei da to Mahou Tsukai ni Nareru Rashii (TV), 30歳まで童貞だと魔法使いになれるらしい | Cherry Magic! Thirty Years of Virginity Can Make You a Wizard?! (Manga)
Genre: Aftermath, Co-workers, Difficult Decisions, Emotional Hurt, Heavy Angst, Hurt No Comfort, Implied Relationships, Internal Conflict, Internal Monologue, Introspection, Late at Night, M/M, Missing Scene, One Shot, POV First Person, Pining
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-12-18
Updated: 2020-12-18
Packaged: 2021-03-11 05:36:13
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 784
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28159896
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/lalois/pseuds/lalois
Summary: Kurosawa is absent from work for the very first time ever.
Relationships: Adachi Kiyoshi/Kurosawa Yuichi
Comments: 4
Kudos: 27





	Absence

**Author's Note:**

> Set right after episode 11, beware of possible spoilers

I have taken a sick leave today.

It's the very first time this happens, since I have been employed at Toyokawa.

I have thought a lot about it, before submitting my request, during the night I have spent staring at the ceiling with blank eyes.

I should have arrived at the office as usual, this morning. 

Greet everyone with a smile, pretend no turmoil happened inside me yesterday.

Greet him courteously, also.

Make him realize through my gestures that I deeply respect what we have come to decide together, that if there is one to blame here, that one is me and not him for sure.

I had hoped I could reach the moon, and he must have felt the weight of this responsibility upon his soft shoulders, trying to cope with it, as long as he could.

But it's not fair.

I didn't want him to think it's his fault. 

I don't want to hurt him even more than this.

That's why I should have met him in front of the elevator, offering him an understanding nod. Silently thanking him for all the magic he has granted me so far, by letting me stay by his side until yesterday.

I should have acted like adults do, after all. Accepting the end of a relationship, just like it happens every day to myriads of people, other than the two of us.

I should have done what everyone would have expected of me, facing positively and proudly every new challenge ahead, tempting or not.

I should have, I know.

Still, I have realized I couldn't face him, in the end.

I could not bear to meet the sweetest eyes ever and read the disappointment within. The sadness, the pain, the fear.

I could not bring myself to meet him today and realize, instead, the failure I have been towards the one I should have treasured the most.

I am a coward.

Truth is, I'm no ace at all when it comes to the wreck my heart has become. I'm not the human being who can deal perfectly with whatever thing and people and situation.

I am just a loser.

Someone who could not even manage to pull him out of his shell nicely enough to make him feel comfortable in this world of us I thought we had started building together, step by step, one beside another.

Would you forgive me one day, Adachi, I wonder?

I'm not showing up today at work, thus offering you the worst side of me.

The guy who chickened out of you the only moment it was required for him to be a real man.

Leaving you alone to face your agonizing feelings, when I should have been the one shielding you from any misery.

It hurts me so undefinably much, knowing that I am the reason for your pain, Adachi. I would honestly like to disappear right now, thus erasing every single memory of me from you since the very beginning, seven years ago.

Ironically enough, should it were to happen, you would obliviously start looking at me again in awe, thinking I am the one to take as a role model. And this is the last thing I deserve, right?

I would offer anything in exchange for swallowing up your pain, Adachi.

I would. You know I would.

But I cannot. 

This is unbearable. Intolerable.

The saddest thing, this is.

Still... reality.

I have caused you endless discomfort and genuine struggle, every time I could not realize how tormented and debated you must have felt whenever with me.

Please forgive me, Adachi.

Maybe you're now in no condition to understand that, but you have made me comprehend how little I am, and just how much there is out there for me, in order to become a better person.

I have failed with you, but you have nonetheless gifted me with yet another precious treasure of discern.

I would not blame you if you were to resent me for what I have done to you, and for all the things I could not do.

As for me, though, I have nothing but gratefulness towards the immensity you represent as a person, and nothing and nobody will ever persuade me differently.

Starting tomorrow, I will humbly greet you at work again, facing my littleness without shame.

I will try my best.

I can only muster up the courage I have left, because I owe you this, Adachi.

Tomorrow, though.

As for today, I am to linger some little more in the vastness of the feelings I hold for you, Adachi.

The ones that will never ever cease existing, as long as I am allowed to live in this world.

**Author's Note:**

> I did not plan this short fic, actually; my way of coping with ep11, I guess.  
> I felt I HAD to write something just in order to deal with my own (wrecked) feels. Sorry if it sounds rushed while reading, it probably is but I prefer keeping it as much rough.  
> Also, please do bear in mind that this is seen from Kurosawa's internal POV, hence the poor guy cannot be objective at all in his emotional analysis (he got nothing wrong actually, he just LOVES the right way).  
> Thanks for reading.  
> You can also find me as @eitorn8520 on Twitter and honmakurara at Tumblr


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